31 Mar 2025 - footnote. After writing this rough first draft three weeks ago i have, as i often do, had several long chats about the issues with several women friends - real ones with whom i can say anything, on these topics.
I often record such talks as a rolling chronicle for posterity. They are interesting. I will put some up here soon.
One topic has been all the various speeches in media about boys needing male role models and mentoring. (the footballer even had his day at the lectern), and then endless hyperbole over 'toxic' masculinity and of course the horrid Tate the bogeyman always gets his namecheck.
I have them recorded.
However why will NO ONE say that the women of the late 70s and 80s, in my state school and on, WERE our mentors and examples. The women were always in charge even when 15 year old schoolgirls. They would 'mentor' us scrofulous youth. In our 20s even later if one had a serious issue ongoing almost always one would seek out a wise mother hen - friend or acquaintance, with whom to share the issue and seek guidance from. To me that is purest real 'feminism' - being equally responsible in the business of societal mores, person to person; and i think needs highlighting far more as 'solution' than may be available from male role models.
I am going to do a separate essay on this as sharing that with my friends they are adamant yes that WAS a role for women in oldschool days.
I also think there is a 'trick' that even the more thoughtful women openly 'campaigning' against censorship are missing it has just come to me... listening to Front Row on censorship in the arts
https://www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/m0029hdx
as usual all the gender politics 'you can't say that 'they nearly get to a point: that women are 'piled on' more than men ....
Now, if you listen to the audio below i mention how every single woman i ever speak with asked if they would rather work in an office of men or women THEY not me, say the former
Perhaps the internet silencing, even cancelling is far more initiated by women ? My friends speaking about office politics are adamant that behind ones female back at work the daggers really do get unsheathed, thrust and twisted around to really make sure the wound is fatal.
Perhaps the 'campaigning' space that supresses good true discourse on wo/man is more of a woman space and subject to the same not too nice forces ....
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
11 Mar 2025
a page called Wo/man (‘feminism’)
as yet unpublished - no one can find this page unless given the URL
Only a couple are invited at this stage.
THIS PAGE WILL BE EDITED AND ADDED TO OVER THE NEXT WEEK WITH MORE SHORT ESSAYS ON THE TOPIC.
And i have several genuine women allies my age group - same level of self-educated intelligence who do feel exactly as i do that the 'conversation' in the public space on wo/man is really quite wonky and it's time we take it somewhere FAR more real. They are also going to write for me to put here some of their thoughts.
One good example is towards the end of the audio in this page i relate how in MANY chats over the last decade with secure, straight talking middle aged women of my acquaintance, asking them if they would prefer to work in an office manned mainly by men or women, ALL without a millisecond of hesitation state... "blokes.." (it is in fact comedic how forthright and unhesitant they always are) . I have a decade long chronicle of many such chats, and i wouldn't really wish to 'publish' that side of my work yet as in fact it saddens me... something HAS gone wrong and as i have only a daughter i rather do lament this state of affairs..
And soon there will be some material made (by a woman, no man allowed to even think of what menopause is) where a 60something year old friend of mine is so intelligently resistant to even the word 'menopause' her seeing it as yet another industry where women are mined, for money and time, being that in her words as she largely ignored the thing, it never became a 'thing'... in fact (no not as 'rite of passage') she only found the period beneficial ... (" how wonderful no more pesky periods" her words not mine). I know no more alive and bouncy sixty something women than her; taking no 'supplements' or remedies or any kind of 'medicine'.... either, ever.
draft first quick jotting
(main meat of this page - just a quick collection of notes at the moment, is in the audio towards bottom of page)
I am
building this one (as yet unindexed) stand-alone page into a space where I
share my many year insights with a few specific women with whom maybe in time
there may be collaboration on creating material.
‘material’
I feel is needed – things often unsaid by ‘feminists’ and certainly media are
not being said.
Just today (12 Mar) radio 4 Today carried a segment on how one secondary school was so disturbed at the output of "toxic masculinity" Tate, they were going to do a talk at assembly warning their lieges off him, but then changed their minds fearing that may in fact send more of their young men to look him up.
FIRST DRAFT incomplete...collaboration sought.
And…for
22 years after my own rather surprising elevation – a fancy word for
dragged kicking and screaming through a hedge backwards, into the
‘sunlight’ of media …almost all of which was on child/father… I do not only
have a very attuned ear to the public discourse on parenting / woman / man …
sex / gender .. the whole damn thing… I also do often speak with friends –
mainly women, about all these topics, MOST frankly… I have years of sane
discourse behind me on these topics, most women I know or knew will confirm…
(and we
MUST make it funny, too!! I even became rather good at that)
It is all
still serious…In fact every single woman I have known for years is deep down
uncomfortable about the modern (last 20ish years) public discourse on
‘feminism’ or just woman / man…. And I am aware that the younger
generation of women (never mind pornographer Tate's audience) still don’t seem to have a really great working
blueprint of what to be … how to describe their ‘choices’ and those of
others around them
(I
haven’t put that as well as I may this is as always an EXTREMELY hurried first
draft web page... better words will come when they come later on)
From 2003
(even if prior to then out there in the ‘world’ as almost solo
emissary in person with my nipper) I had a most unexpected minor role…or
maybe not, as I really was the only one…. Speaking publicly (even if via
mainstream media) around the topics of wo/man and parenting.
Eighty
percent of women have a child. I guess its not too dissimilar a
proportion of men. Factoring out childhood, that means
the majority of ALL people, in Western societies, spend the majority of their
lives as parents. And thus how on earth can there be any fullest
discussion of sexual politics without putting parental roles forefront
(my only minor crib from my very favourite ‘feminist’ thinker Mary Harrington who in fact almost personifies the 'issue' in that a brave valiant warrior woman, her, doesn't seem even entirely comfortable 'Martin-Luther King style', preaching that fact... that must be one important starting point in all sexual politics.. )
From 2003 I started to, if I must.... call myself an ‘equalicist’. A bit too dry a term I guess. But ever since then I follow/ponder (and sometimes despair at) ‘feminist’ issues in public. And then as it became hijacked rather by a minority sport of (I shall not even bother mentioning what is a 1-2% recent hobby of reversing one’s sex-role.. is that the right word? )
Sex /
gender etc etc… I decided recently to return to merely ‘sexual politics’…
that’s all it ever was (listen to audio below).
It may
surprise readers to hear that as a ‘campaigner’ from 2003 to 2009 (and
partially still from 2010 onwards but in a different manner) apart from
dealing with UK media, which is just useless on parents/children as of course
most of the gatekeepers and operatives (eg tv producers) are in fact metropolitan
and usually childless… and yes also a very high proportion being same-sex
inclined, back then same sex adoption/surrogacy etc a very rare matter, my
hardest job, after media was dealing with my ‘own’ male side of the ('campaigning') equation.
One
example was a many year close friend (‘campaigner’) – a man wrongly excluded
from his two children’s’ lives for 7 or 8 years… when an
unexpected event occurred in the late 00s and mother had a mental health crisis
leading to her needing hospitalisation, he went into a mode of via legal means seeking SOLE custody of the children from then on. It was without doubt
based on an element of ‘revenge’. His grounds were correct in that even the
mother’s legal advisor capitulated in that he was obviously needed to be a
carer for when she was ill, but there was no need to seek any kind of ‘sole’
legal winners certificate. And anyway he had been a full time campaigner for shared parenting.... unless there was an extremely good reason why not. ..until real life came into his own real life. (i despaired! quietly)
Another (one of a pattern of many others I would be close in to 2004 and on) is in 2005 I attended in the audience a well known legal campaigner (Eton educated) at a criminal ‘test case’ of sorts in the RCJ where he was attempting to push the ‘secrecy’ matter to no avail ( he reported himself in to authority on principle for breaking section 37 after he wrote something innocuous about a sports day of his son in a leaflet when section 37 as it stood then precluded that ) and I met there men ‘campaigners’ for post separation equality….however… one in particular - a very well known figure in certain circles, sat fuming at, and heckling the big fierce judge; later I quizzed him on his circs, and his case was that the mother had moved away up North a few years earlier upon separation back to her parents home town (their former marital home had been in a London satellite town). This as we all know is not unlawful, even if not ideal - making it impossible for the parent remaining in the FMH to have any meaningful life with their child (200 miles away) … he was angry. But asking if he had considered moving to be nearer his child the retort was “ it is my right to carry on my fairly successful small building business where I established it in the region we had our children..i will massively suffer if I have to sell up and move …”
That
perturbed me greatly and I often heard that contradictory position over the
years…
My point:
it may well be not ideal, perhaps even immoral if one parent - almost
always the mother, moves far away after a separation. But if
a man’s basic priority / moral compass is not set to being close by the children
no matter what (even if it's necessary to live on the dole) - that being
overriding principle, I despair at how such men can ‘fight’ for father’s
‘rights’…. A real father puts the children first, always.
But both sexes need to have that as religion within, to make that the genuine norm, but still the discourse is so confused (often totally contradictory).
Brief
summary of (me and kids)
1992-4 I
lived (platonically) with a woman I loved and her three kids, and I
shared daily care of all three, from the word go. She was in fact three months
pregnant with #3 when I met her.
Dec 1998
my own, Esti, was born. Spring 2000 mum and dad decided to live apart (we knew
from early summer 98 we were incompatible – Esti just managed to sneak in
and be created a few months before that became obvious )
I had
made my living – part time, a few weeks here and a few there, as jobbing
commercial air charter pilot – smaller ‘corporate’ aircraft all over the world, and I hung up my epaulettes for ever as soon as my own child was a bun in the
oven. I wished to be an only always present parent. (no one has ever voluntarily handed back the coveted commercial pilots license)
In short, i am evangelist: (and it's not 'personal choice' there are actual real universals it is only our 'culture' that interferes) I have done many groovy and ultra 'freespirit' things in life all over the world. Some would even shock a casual reader with a 'normal' existence.. None even slightly compare to the real life and satisfaction from raising a young child.
From
2001, alone, I took her off on the first of EIGHT foreign trips
(2001-2003) just the two of us usually a few weeks at a time – just
Esti and I. I wanted to and adored showing her the world (on a VERY tight
backpackers budget) All over Europe and N Africa. In November 2001
I wandered around deserted Tunisia with her almost the only white visitors as it was just a a couple of months after 9/11. Just Esti and I with backpack and pushing
her along in fold up pushchair around dusty Tunisian backwaters. The best of all trips due the sincere warmth of the locals thanking us for being there when everyone else too scaredy cat ....Morocco the
following spring.
Setting
off spring 2003 for another European trip this time by campervan it went a
little weird with NO warning. Though lets say sadly other forces had entered
mum’s life by then.
(summer
2002 I had driven the camper van over to Brittany for a few weeks Esti
and I there and I had paid for mum to rendez-vous with us during that
time and her to stay in a campsite there for a week with esti whist I waited in
the region)
Summer
2003 for bizarre reasons (I had never even had a parking ticket for many years,
and there were never ANY complaints against me such as the nowadays ubiquitous
DV ) I ended up with access to British national media. From a payphone in a
dusty Portuguese gaolhouse.
From
June 2003 to late 2004 I had much access to national media. For nice reasons….
In December 2003 the BBC started making a documentary, with me about me and my
daughter. It was aired early 2004. From summer 2003 to late 2004 ITV aired near
on 40 news segments about us. From early 2004 they became very nice ones,
only, (“dad got his beloved daughter back” and they liked to meet her
with me) and the local ITV reporter and cameraman actually became my
enjoyed personal friends and honourable confidantes..
My
purpose speaking with media - always a relaxed and easy affair, and
until this time I had always been an extremely quiet person – very reserved and
in fact shy, was above all to ‘promote’ NOT ‘fathers ‘rights’ or
injustices, but that dad can look after, and be dedicated to any young
kid, quite quite as fully as mum. And in my opinion (from 1998) SHOULD
be.
And that
benefits EVERYone – including the mother who is freed up so as she can have a
fuller life.
Obviously
on the face of it this referred to post separation ( I believe 100,000 parents
separate a year roughly, at that time there were around 50,000 live child
custody cases ongoing per year ) but in fact for me I
was ONLY about ‘promoting’ or just telling stories of the true joy, always, of
male carer and lass going about their life ..and travels. I would
never have had life one second different once accepting the sadness of mum and
dad not having a future together with their only child.
But also even if media in bizarre modern UK don't like 'principles' being put forth - rather addicted to 'drama' and fairy tales.... there is to me a never spoken of universal principle which is that men especially become far safer and thoughtful creatures once they have had a childcare role for some time... prior to 1992ish when i first fell in 'love' with kids i drove above average speeds - a tad arrogant (though not showoff) and selfish-atomised; from 1992, to the consternation of those behind, I ALWAYS, no exceptions, drive at 75% of the speed limit at most... aware and always mindful that if i ever caused an accident a child may suffer as consequence.
And (even if it is an artificial 'cultural' thing deep down - listen audio below ) I have long thought if we had more women in positions of political power we will have an overall safer world over time
From
1998 to 2003 I made my extremely humble living (all spare money
saved for our travels) running a small bookshop in Hay-on-Wye. Everyone
around that town – in the cafes and shops was used to seeing us always together
– I was not in that smallish community "simon" but “Esti and Simon”. Everyone delighted in her
(I actively made sure she was as fully ‘socialised’ as possible by often
taking her to local cafes for a cuppa and sit and chat with the
workers and sometimes visitors; she also loved sometimes working with me in the
shop - this was an exploitative, manipulative and coercive
act on my behalf - probably misogynist too, as if she was at her favourite job - feeding the credit
cards of our customers into the little card machine, the smile she
had on her two year old face as she operated the machine, melted the hearts of
even the meanest minded customers.
(and
then from 2004 again she was always known as being with dad around that town as
only dad lived nearby and the ‘socialisation’ continued)
From 2003
to late 2004 I had a lot of access to media even if as a curiosity but my
heart was 100% in that mission (never paid, always aggro! to fit it in ) and I used this
always to project the true real successful daughter-dad life we had. The
absurd ‘gag’ came along late 2004 – only as vexatious litigation (on mother's
legal aid – her barrister using that free money to further line his pockets) as
there was no conceivable harm in the ‘public’ work I had been engaged in.
I did not use my occasional access to disrespect anyone in respect of any past act, or say anything contentious.
Indeed as almost a side issue i think that says something important in that is we - anyone.. (i am 100% ordinary not special) are operating in 'public' alongside or on behalf of children, we are far more likely to be more careful and civilised in how we speak our piece to the world...
The
famous 2004 injunction (‘gag) was only a weird form of lawfare.. once the ‘test
case’ succeeded (everyone said was impossible to win) in June 2006, our occasional
tv and newspapers role continued…
However I had also from 2004 ish become very aware of far more injustice throughout the civil court system than I a fey bookseller had imagined of this curious land (many parents contacted me and a then colleague who ran the uk’s largest family injustice website which mainly highlighted the many many thousands of tyrannical acts by local authorities mainly harming mothers – see the BBC panorama linked on this site about 18 months ago). The anti-gag test case I began summer 2005 putting in the appeal, was very much as a matter of PRINCIPLE on behalf of THEM. Those whom unlike me had NOT received a just conclusion in the courts. I already had my 'story' out, even if incomplete... everyone else remained silenced.
I had
assumed out media ‘career' was well and truly over in 2004. Old news, and no
newsroom editor is going to risk doing anything about a child/parent combo when
there is a High Court injunction in the mix. I know as even my friends at ITV
described how their legal dept had regrettably red flagged us for good the moment the
injunction arrived at my front door (and I called Karen news reporter from ITV
my best friend at that weird time and spoke with her about it )
When one is injuncted with a very formal looking piece of ‘High Court’ paper, and then told by every legal campaigner in the land – many I had gotten to know in person, that you are mad to even think for one moment such default ‘secrecy’ (section 37 Children’s Act) can ever be challenged - what even close friends far more legally expert than I was did say, one assumes that any ‘publicity’ is over forever.
The
appeal I launched august 2005 - I assumed based on what all my trusted
legal friends said had zero chance of success was not in any way to have
future access to media. I had NO idea then that just a few months
later the most senior family judge in the UK - in reality, LJ wall would
say to me face-to-face that he WANTED a big full on all singing all
dancing ONCE AND FOR ALL “test case” on court/legal secrecy
(I did at that moment – late 2005 in the dungeons of the Royal Courts of Justice know from his facial expression and of his wonderful young woman and man clerks, I had already won…. Law is often just showbiz…).
It did
not occur to me for a moment that if there was any successful appeal against
the injunction of Justice Hedley ( v senior High Court judge) I may get
anywhere near a tv studio or newspaper ever again.
I think I
can make one reasonably accurate statement (about all I really care about deep
down) which is that from 2003 to about 2007 I was the male carer - father, who got far more media time than anyone else by far in the UK on
the wholesomeness and joy and success of single dad being 100% equal
adequate and fine parent with child…
(as a
member of various email forums on justice and parenting from 2003 for
those years we were all very very attuned to it all being PR and
any media segment on parenting was ALWAYS circulated among us…. I know I was
the ONLY one…I would have noticed others )
I would
add that I do consider myself a bit of an authority nowadays on sex
roles, 'sexual politics'…(my nowadays preferred term) …
From 2020
I began a long and gentle wander around the ‘heterodox’ space online –
discussions and talk, and books and essaying, among the
supposed most respected public intellectuals of the world… modern sexual
politics often a topic.
For
example my most respected modern communicator is Sarah Haider I discovered
after listening to every single Meghan Daum episode
https://www.theunspeakablepodcast.com/
i think all episodes are in the above and the below
https://www.theunspeakablepodcast.com/podcast
…and Meghan combined a few years ago with SH in https://aspecialplace.substack.com/
I would
consider Meghan and sarah the best of all modern writer/broadcasters
on sexual politics (and respectfully having a bit of a dig at the
‘woke’) but even they to my ears still are a little lost as to who to be
in response to various current themes (none of my own work is in any way aimed at the minority of 'trans' anyone..)
BUT on
all of this: sexual politics, sex / gender and even actual sex itself there are
things I never hear we do in my opinion need to start to PROPERLY open up
discussion about.
I TRY to
begin just that in audio notes I made yesterday on a walk
Friend suzi yesterday said to me on discussing world politics with local matrons of her Herefordshire village how they all decry American newpolitics due to hating the man – in other words to the women the perceived character of the politician outweighs any policies (s/he – in that Ms Gabbard is arguably the second most powerful person in the world , as she has The Big Orange to herself in the daily Intel brief her and the Pres alone by convention, that defines international ‘security’ policy they may be rolling out ...and i find their approach limited in that although i think certain male Trumpians are most retrograde we all seem to agree Tulsi is going to be a safer pair of hands than any predecessor)
THIS PAGE
I INTEND ADDING TO SOON
Woman man
audio
in my
google filestore
a longer
riff on some of these subjects
https://drive.google.com/file/d/1N_6xtIvePl6qYbChmvv699HrMirgg1-5/view?usp=sharing
There are
many wo/man issues in my opinion I hear rather warped, or just as important
NEVER discussed in public
And in
this ‘new’ world especially the last three years where certain men are getting
'traction' saying the silliest of things, ALL of us need to try and work on
simpler guides for our next generations.
Listening to the only 'sane' real-world feminist writer and thinker MH of late one is reminded of the REAL world: 80% of women have kids. Which means that more than half of their adult life is as a parent to the next generation. And thus 'feminism' - or equality, must use that all as starting point ...
What ASTONISHES me, still.... is as follows. When i embarked on my own slight battle with society from 2002 i know i was kindof 1%... or less.
But nowadays most of us DO know - it has trickled out into the 'culture' and society at large, that blokes are just as able to be safe and fully loving and appropriately ATTACHED 'carer' to infants ... there are now enough example sin the culture of blokes being just that- fully sweet perfect carer (i hate the word but one has to cover all bases) to their beloved nippers....
some (i watch them) even seem to UTTERLY adore this role and it be their bliss...
however, the language... the way that the majority still speak of the 'primary carer' role is still almost entirely exclusive... you know what i mean.
In fact let me put it another way, some neighbour loses his wife/partner when they have a little one....almost no one nowadays would have concern " he may not be able to cope with the little thing.." in fact to take that approach would be seen by many as insulting
yet....and it seems as if it is only - or salways, in front of a broadcasting microphone, when any fine woman public speaker is speaking about childcare especially of preschool children almost all the wording (and nuance - i have an ear) is implicit in that ideally it will mainly be mum.... maybe even verging on can only be mum,..
This i emphasise is in PUBLIC - when on the job on Woman's Hour or other venues talking all things 'woman' - 'politically i mean as all this really IS almost entirely 'politics'... and i know evolutionary psych (Heather Heying Evolutionary biologist, Darkhorse podcast often expresses angst at the fact there are fewer innate differences between the human sexes than cultures seem to allow); in private conversation, no microphone around, i don't really hear that underlying ethos.. almost all people of either sex accept care duties can be adequately performed by either parent.
ANd... I don't think the 'culture' of the MODERN west has caught up either - literature, songs film (computer games and tv i know nothing of as i am a REAl man and never had anything to do with either... i have watched almost every art house film ever made... seeking our 'truth' and i have read 1000s of proper books... where is Silas Marner for even the 20th C? )
and i sure have known a few fine modern mother-babes who TOTALLY celebrate being able to have other interests outside the home cos 'im indoors can be trusted to generally get it right, always...
(my Oxford Uni medicine degree friend 30 years ago who taught me parenting through her three, was just such a finest woman.. even trusted a newbie like me with her precious brood home alone, not long after we first met.. cos she knew it aint rocket science and some of us men can be trusted to ...take care..)
(AND –
today 11 March as ‘market research’ I asked a friend father of three young men
mid 20s who raised the children as quite devout Mormon near Hay-on-Wye –
his boys, graduates all three, are out in the big wide world but retain
very close respectful links to their family, and he reported that they do
report that even they DO watch the videos of pornographer Mister Tate… ) ..
For
example there are a whole range of things that aren’t going to
change be they termed ‘sex positive’' or this years Oscar
goes to a movie (almost celebrating) the ‘sex worker’. I hear so little real world genuinely philosophical proselytising.
And incidentally i walk the UK's famous paths. I meet MANY European women. By every single measure of interpersonal relating it is a FAR more relaxed experience making a new friend of a European woman. The tension in almost all British women is quite palpable....
and quickness almost as if they are awaiting the chance...to jump down your throat and cut out your tongue for just attempting any grown up opinion...
(i have a sort of documentary-in-the-making from many chronicled meetings last year...maybe one day...it's not good for British 'sexual politics'.)
A full list of REAL world matters soon, which as few 'feminists' seem able to even remember, we spend a hell of a lot more of our life being older than younger with all that 'identity' to do... and go and spend time in rural regions my ohh my the amount of lonely and stretched older women...
So many of whom seem to think nowadays that recoupling up is 'toxic'... the harm to almost everyone that causes seems to be almost taboo.
The
couple are treated MUCH more respectfully
By landlords, Local Authority officers
And as Campaigners
I have a ten year study - many many chronicled real life examples of how single people of either sex especially in rural hinterlands have a FAR harder life experience than the coupled up.
Time and again .. example hamlet i lived at 8 years up to 2020 a settlement of privately owned rentals - all the same owning (local) company... time and again one would see the single people get unjustly or even unlawfully treated... when the same behaviour never was metred out to the (minority) of couple-inhabited rental properties.
The same applies to EVERY legal case (many) i ever have inside knowledge of..if the authorities are aware a litigant is in a solid couple so often far fairer justice (and respect towards the individual) ensues..
ditto ALL dealings with schools, the medical world etc etc...
etc
And that is before we even come to the expense of being single - your insurances far higher, never mind all the host of other cost savings if two are tangoing in a committed way
A few more pages on this will be here by 15 March 2025
i live in rather stretched circs... but am at my best when life is just so...
see unused twitter https://x.com/ferretsarefun
i only use phone whatsap best ...simonclayton@post.com if you must
loads of videos of childcare...via my links or dadsites page on ralphschism.com
Over the last five years especially (2021 seemed to intensify certain debates) i have plodded around the more human newer writers and jounos... (the BBC becoming almost more toxic than poor tate)
I have a list of interesting voices but for now the one i have most hope for is
Why 'Progress' is Bad for Women - Mary Harrington
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N1ZztpS_U1o
Though i do think that discussion shows there is so much more to do in truth....
******
If anyone ever felt like even 'tipping' me for many fairly interesting written takes i have on things which gradually i wish to be my main occupation (it has been already for some years)
I have a tipjar / bank account details at https://www.ralphschism.com/p/funding.html (dont worry no one ever has over many years and i have reasonably high consistent quite engaged readership :-)
