Me i play with words a tad.
And referring to genuinely cruel and bonkers societal issues - i have no off switch because a grown up should have no foibles, foibles get in the way....nevertheless even with a recent swan egg emergency attempt to get help, several supposed official animal luvvas (taking money for and prominent in society as) when i said to them i have photos of the mothers eviscerated carcass "god its artistic..and tragic - they mum and dad were my best pals , 8 years i alone sat by their lake highup hills and they knew me...propper wild swans....i was watching her nesting often and then one day....well shit happens...." and the amount of "ohh no it would be too distressing .." melodramatic nonsense, pathetic...
Anyway one comes over as sour. Maybe even far too fizzy. Me not at all i can befriend anyone and they seem to be at ease... top aristos to truly messed up alcies (no accolade as i stop - no point.....all masks and two faces even among the bottom lot who i have for years done benefit and sickness officialdom on behalf of).
I have a whole propper big blog - that is a blog, started last autumn about what a so so happy wonderful freeing year... for real.. every day....anonymous as no one would believe. But in that are the absolutely deidentified facts and poetical lilts... philosophical celebrations.
And as i meandered along even i realised how wonderful, to somehow at last be free to speak...say it all.... i know I'm ok as do a fair few others....oh they hide and fall prey to silly words thise living in fear - the big fear has become how on earth do 'they' scramble around and eat the crumbs off the swishy plate of the rich incomer.
But sweetness and reality.... what a wonderful year. And so interesting ina liberated way. A year ago everyone e,se moaning me and new friend i was helping her (rich incomer not a crumb offf her plate i am pure) yet again go through all her stuff in a dingy storage cave...
and she let me look through her mothers 'baby book' ....fuck what i learned from that - the attitudes of the Surrey mother trying to be 'liberated' in mid 60s but her obsession with controlling 'it' yes she would refer to her only ball of joy as 'it'..
Anyway real people - S and I have gone through several baptisms. But Just yest a grown up on the doggie Bone "S...i have to say that something about you released something back then...you alone sort of living on.... even if you are a coward about your so called beloved Bob... and i still dont know if i like you at all and anyway we are so different. never mind our famous last hilarious rumpus.... you though still have been the only true real sort of relaxed when your not goin on about your frst world problems of firkin snazzy woodburners..."
Extraordinary - well no it isnt extraordinary...how when a human is speaking to a human with no email or other nonsense supposedly assisting which none of it ever did...S sure gets chirpy and friendly even if we had a rare public minor theatrical rumpus a few weeks ago....no one offers to me her childhood book collection for my lasses around and about i have been helping out a little the last years....and then doesn't deliver...or even make them available for collection...
It is only total openness and never taking anything to heart ...just getting on with what NEXT that ever caused anything good.... and only one person taught me that 28 years ago... as key to her little bundles of joy.
Which is a longwinded way of saying all this digital a disaster - every digital i send out is an invite to natter. And its funny how even S who 2 weeks ago wished me dead for explaining to her bestie for her own good, really you have to stop all this not meaning what you say.... tell her a more positive truth and besties once more. Ish...and she voted Nige....and as another pretend green goddess - in reality code for saying to everyone founding a scientific green institute, but never will,. no differences ever really matter, only what next and trust "i shall never ever tell any of them... they wont talk with you ever if they your necessary collaborators in the region..i know them they are fundamentalist and you may have been mad but that was your madness and as long as it doesnt affect tomorrow i will never tell them or they will never even pretend you exist seeing you in the street.."
A fine woman who knows that all speech is a work in progress and even 'hurtful' stuff said should never taint tomorrow.
"truth love... [other arenas] i am fairly proud of tons of writing i have gone off and hidden from landlord and done in my van last few weeks... rattling out not a plan or second to stop once lid open and only an hour of battery.... meeting you really did catalyse change... even if you cannot let go i have entirely... its so so healthy i really cannot lie and every worry about who may think what entirely gone god its just so good for the soul...it does work...my sleep even more perfect than always perfect sleep always .... all fait accompli, all about only who you are next even if our age not much of next left ...anyway your fuckin sort as you know im off as soon as i can afford... oh thats a point i bet my greek dentist last week lied too when he promised so effusively in front of his paid witness to email and invite me to his island now he is off... no one ever keeps to owt....may as well all be gagged forever....so be it...i discovered other places where that is not so...but i feel so sorry for all of you as the key to mental health really is even when you make aggro suggestions of doing something....seeing them through even when you dn't really want to really is what its all about...and as you know i need absolutely nothing to infinity squared... nothing ever required needed wanted...duties just get done if you can... thats it.... now you barren old bat why dont you take interest in my FOS stuff i couldn't care squat about the bug and obsessions with bodies that comes from but you so aware that freedom to be informed so supressed of late... oh yes you dont have kids, you play at caring... as we know...blessyer... .."
and in fact every word of that is true and a real woman never really takes anything to heart after an occasional bit of powerplay theatrics and knows who is the only person she has met in feysville who ever does actually follow things through....always...
stopping now after this (duty), gosh i so look forward to that...
