My life story, cont

Now, as per  the second audio down on this page

The end says i have one UNIVERSAL standard responsibility... to leave something to show i no nutjob and as for 20 years i have done unpaid serious family or other citizen-rescue law in UK  - all people i have nothing in common with as i didnt need rescuing 35 years ago when i 

 give up booze...only 150 units at most in 30 years.. 38 years ago all illicits...  

gave up ( an unintentionally 'glamorous'  even if it never was  - lots of cleaning up popstar vomit or making breakfast for them at 5am nobody else around ... and cleaning their bogs abord a little ten seater... but the true glamour and fabulousness in it was by age 18 sat in bignobs aircraft i knew they all without exception had truly awful lives so tense so egomaniac sad... never ever have i met a celeb or rich banker and i may have had to spend days with them as their taxi..very close in..they would tell their deepest secrets to their cheauffeur sat next o them about to go through a certain-death thunderstorm over the alps.. not one even knew what 'peace' or real mirth meant...)  gave up what to everyone else was a great job 27 years ago as dad needs to always be around for kid AND protect himself ..ie not run around on stupid dangerous motorbikes (ive never been stupid enough to) or flying dangerous puddle jumpers through thundertorms at 5am nobody to hear you scream as you plumet especially if over N italy the worst inhuman airt traffic control in the whole world...  never did their job  of working with the pilot to avoid dangers ...too busy on the phone to mamma telling her how they wanted their bimbo dressed for dinner when they got back...a bit like my bro in law when it came to "its MY  maaaayhhhyyyy wedding.." i still remember the exact look on his dinosaur face...

anyway nothing to do with me i already knew kids need parents around always...

once becoming adult my own whole life about creating an only healthy wholesome environment with plenty of Other Animals away from all of those junkies users and Conran shop addicts...

people only of no value who never talk about the value of anything, merely the price of what their lovely sweet competitor girl shelled  out for the antique handbag in Portobello..

My own life only kids from 1992 .. only, forever no matter what..

saved my life..

and also a bloke is a FAR better person - more decent moral and all that if he does manage to become the  committed dad...

But theres always a price for real things  - i never realised until i left the past region 3 years ago just how deep it all goes even then 13 years on from the worst wound ever...  

 every time i went up to Herrock hill (see ralph)  30 km nearly from the Black Mountains i could see afar the hillside high up i last lived with lass so perfectly for 7 years...

and then evil Pen Y Fan in the distance mission control for the Stockholm Syndromists and all their nasty mates..

and maybe my lass may still be there .. being (to Quote the head of CAFCASS  Anthony Douglas who knew us quite well - well his so warm smile to esti in 2006 at the conference...on her law...with even NAzi thingumy bob Harmon there - the only one who snubbed my lass asking for a moment qwith her one to one her not busy... to allow a child have a great example of a woman in power... bitch not a word i use often but talk about the definition of one... , in 2013 ' his times piece 'emotionally abusing' a child by tearing up High Court orders... so her grandmother complicit too in that clearcut ) emotionally abused even by her grandmother complicit..

lovely country... great stuff for an opera one day far better than Mummy boy italian nonsense..

anyway, leaving old horizons ferk i never realised what its like not to have thirteen years of often a few times a week the most painful imaginable aides memoirs on my horizon even after moving 20km away...

nope.... you gotta be in a no memories place so as to partly recover even if unlike every single Brit one ever ever hears i never moaned to anyone...

But you want to spit at the BBC with their recent radio 4 vile nonsense of 'child free by choice'  - i bet they even have a hashtag ..  because apart from other things like civilisation itself, and also how men can be made safer  so all of us are safer on average....every childless... errata lets forget about my factual assessment of 20 years chronicling...

i have several long long interactions over months with several obviously central community orientated women mums who quietly to my chronicling devices do say what i would never dare.."  uhh ohhh....another emotional vandal with no kids.....the childless ones especially when they get to fifty plus with no purpose any more they assuming theyre no longer desirable [in and of itself the very opposite of truth as the only sexbombs are the 53+ ones who still have that fighting glint in their eye..it tends to straighten their back and make em almost eternally youthful... shame Woman's Hour never told them that either...where was i ] ....god its always them causing utter vandalising mayhem...  " several sane women have said to me on the last phase of chronicling...

...anyway to be cont but far too long of such even occasional pretty little vandals who cant even listen to such simple things as'' landlords [the BIGGIE as insecure accomodation makes you so nutcase you may bash some passing innocent bloke lose your kids to SS and end up in.. , courts, coppers, social workers even employers and certainly fellow green campaigners... do NOT pick on you if you are in a couple as i have noticed almost always happens ... and i am good at noticing... couples are treated FAR more reverentially by the aforementioned  who fear that at least one of them may be able to counterfight back... if they pick one one half of a whole...

 which history proves to be the case never mind most of tax and economic lore favours the doubled up...ask even an inhuman  insurance quoting  algorithm 

and this became almost impossible as every fake flowergirl bought up the country cottages whist in their rare stable phase, even married or a deux,   or even businesses ... got very bored got into trouble and ran off back to Hemel Hempstead or Primrose Hill...leaving him behind crying into his beer and then becoming one of the 4:1 left behind..

the tourist guides never mention that...

to be cont

Best vehicle info you will EVER find (not on oggle either)

 in here is part 1 of why i need a grand by monday or its crusher time....

https://www.simonclayton2020.com/2026/07/come-and-get-your-free-selkie.html

(ohh and as every single conartist who left the towns and cities discovered fraudulent crowdfunding especially if they can put pictures of their kids on front page of their 'offer', so  forget that...)

but here is the REAL reason

sent to Agent Z today (and i understate so as not to be thought insane as for 6 years i have worked unpaid on at least 15 VERY complex rescue missions those damaging kids due being alcy etc etc etc...(2020-21 in The Marches NO services at all available and ALL self appointed good burghers of Presteigne wouldnt help all they could do was bitch.... never assist  5 or 6 fairly ok women we had known for years .. who were killing themselves due neurotic reaction turning to serious booze who could easily have been assisted i spent 347.5 hrs on 3 of them....  then still stupid me 20+hrs a week attempting to nudger women into regional eco projects FOR their esteem  - me i hate Dooneshire its even faker than Presteigne or even Hay and that takes some doing.... at least 20 hrs a week on average often 30 on ..  bolstering others into THEIR causes ... and every single one turns out to be partly as below  )

and incidentally your dad sometimes does  - actually quite often,  for the last 7 years especially, attempts at linking one woman i have gotten to know over a period of time with HER eco issue she wishes to highlight in public  with money or expertise, and also i do some child cases...

i mention this as now 75% of the time one discovers after some months 'borderline personality disorder' what it means is someone will say 100 times to my face they are a true campaigner for justice - that they have had endless meetings with mps or other power saving their community!...  that their kid has been taken by ss wrongly (which is true i usually see if i see their papers - the injustices are terrible and obvious) ...  however when presented with a  simple few steps to get the matter rightly back on track in a court   - how to appeal NAzi court orders... - and they have just spent weeks barefaced telling me they are expert and real Boudica... 

they never take the steps needed ..

it is performing only a PERSONA to those they meet - it is their 'identity' to all and sundry,  that warrior expert against bad state actors...  but they are unable to take the RATIONAL steps to deal with a truly important issue...obviously they are told they will be supported as mackenzie friend at court....it is so sad and wastes literally hundreds of hours of my life every year 

its a very good definition of BPD and i see it in SO many others too now.. including the women who i support as potential eco warriors 

I do NOT use labels especially the 'narcissism' everyone else uses about everyone else, but its even worse really than the default 'people pleasing'  that is ALWAYS now in all eco work 

BPD  - don't look it up the official 'definitions' are simply absurd  - anyone could be guilty...

even if at least 50% are guilty of the above, sad reality of modern UK

real reason # 3... 

to be cont 

real reason #4

 if i avoid the crush i will advertise here the best MOT garage (he lives also in a  van due gentrification by the whicker basket brigade)  in the whole world... 

Why all eco fails (The ONLY trusted ecoscientist and many generation fruit grower says, today, to me in person, bees will be down another 50% after this year)

due xenobiotic molecules all around 

And the lack of flowers as the councils still must weed...even devon in places to look like Surrey as was the case over all of Horrorfordshire for many years DESPITE it being a George Monbiot holiday destination for many years .... you should see the way the birds would flock to him when in residence in the HAy pubs... the only real reason he would go...

when bees need a food supply about every 50m or they die of hunger in the warmth... 

This goes with this explanation of...why even in the river wye autumn 2025  when water testing was done properly (due yours truly nudgging folk autumn 2022 to copy Lucy and her designated Bathing Area solution ....even if the utter egomaniac wankers couldnt listen it needed to be DOWNstream of HAy-on-Wye  everyone swims at The Warren regasrdless....and downstream of there it would have collected even more toxins...)

why in a large river which meanders through the CATCHMENT of all the small hamlets around and about many of which do NOT have municipal sewererage so its about private systems .... 

even diabetic medicine traces were found along with other drug paraphernalia

its the DOMESTIC private systems JUST as much 

 audios on that NOBODY will ever talk about as it will affect their Thatcherite businesses.. of I am my cottage

And Andy unThatching will never get to why the rivers are REALLY ... finito

not the only immediate answer, STOP... using almost any chemical in THE environment,  which is land above around 150m which is less arable and became South Easterner occupied zones...

as itzy bits always end up where nobody intends but it always works out just so... 

https://www.ralphschism.com/2026/07/so-uplands.html

(and as we all knew years ago George's second home in Machynllell wasnt a second home rented out to local people for the going rate as his 'investment' , it was a  known as,  by him,  his private little....  '"community".. blessimmmmmmm . )

But the only guide we ever needed was

 

and updated a tad by

Ahahhh but there is a poignant reality check upon 'real' Britain in just one story. Below. A truly sad one. 

All my adult life from watching the Three Colours films then even Killing Fields (best ever film on spirited resistence)  via fluffy and most intellectual ones ones such as Ring of Bright Water (free on Youtube superb rewatche dit just the other day...sadly i never met a real life Virginnia my own perfect babe ) or La Grande Belazza simply stunning on the hypocricy of the modern times,  yes... as i dont like blood and gore or any horror films, and knew to draw the line about ten minutes into The Shining as a teen, nope... vile over the line into awful gratuitous violence  Killing Fields is allowed as its got a superb moral tale in it... that changed my life "god i could never ever ever be that beautiful amazin  ultimately brave Dith Pran" my own immediate reaction  - i felt small walking out of the Notty Ill Corronet that eve.

To reform any important matter such as approaches to child healthy psychology (via the first ever post divorce peace plan as in https://www.simonclayton2020.com/p/official-judgements-and- statements.html  which is what i am 'proud' of as the BATTLE with ridiculous snotty officialdom just to have 'Esti's bill of rights' as it was called in media,  written up and published in that judgement as EXAMPLE TO OTHERS so said the High Court Judge.... as it would HELP them not be in perpetual war,  they would argue forever (that day in the High Court)  whether or not i could use the word 'rights' or not in schedule 2 ... " the child has the RIGHT to...." was at the front of each bullet point but they had to check back to the Queen and Cia and just about every child-hating creep that is the 'establishment' in uk.... I do not jest.  

Anyway to achieve anything such as UNIVERSAL practices in family law that are for universal better psychologies for children if the state ever has them on their radar, is such a massive effort (and its gone backwards since 2013ish), or to protect the environment in THE 'environment' which is rural regions with low population densities such as the Marches where i was based for 30 years, requires ALLIES. Committed people on the same page who's values you understand and you trust will remain consistent (most reform of anything even hamsters rights to have their wheels health and safety checked once a year,  takes at least 5 years )

I had a My Family And Other Animals childhood except up above 300m  - the hills.... Except without 'my' family as they were all lost to the sickness of acedia, alcohol codependency and shopping elsewhere...

I am lucky i stuck only to the animals, divorcing the family. Very young.  But i had one or two ok schoolfriends who also had that within - nature and the wilds, and a real approach to life.... it must be kept decent and simple. No need ever for hysteria or being ranty or stirring up say for example racist tendencies..

Just one such schoolfriend in fact the one i remained closest to over the years came to visit me 2018 and he pretended he was so ultra green STILL, on behalf of his nearly grown kids. Even if he was a Jumbo Jet captain for the previous 30 years he still seemed... ok... 

I told him " if you love those kids of yours and  want them to understand OUR childhood [ his dad was a great freespirited eco lover of the hills like me]  then make them watch Captain Fantastic, i kicked myself as i was always a bit arty elite intellectual and scrolling down the lists of maybe good films in Guardian or Time Out film lists for some years i said to myself that looks twee crap... skip that one! Until one day i just was bored and couldnt find anything else to watch.... Pete its just perfect!"

Assuming he would be a bit prejudiced against the father figure in that film i expected him to have forgotten  it as rantings of a nutter (me) even worse that his PEOPLE PLEASING  sickness of " hey i will ponder a way of bridging for you both back in to  ... our famous Esti and give you a call..maybe invite her to meet my daughter down at ours... get her to mine and try help sort her head out" which of course never happened due the national sickness (i did a pictorial version of it today for someone,  i am rather proud of): ... inability to ever say what you mean and mean what you say (around children is literally lethal...THE biggest cause of mental illness..in them)   

Anyway to my amazement Pete watched it and reported back on the phone..." Simes [ should be named and shamed just for that i hate my name and hate Simes even more..] ... that movie is so brilliant on kids and society and how we are ruining it for them but SO genius funny too.... i am going to make my whole family watch it every six months...."

Ok well at least i did some good in the world... or rather, did, and the national sickness (that sadly is a form of BPD) .. even got to Pete... when a year later he is getting all Farage-Carswell..and even a bit Widecombe on even me....  sending pro UKIP stuff in daily.... and cant even have the conversation " pete we had so many good people we knew who were immos... why this turn in you"? 

which is really bad BPD cos  as he knew my lass only exists cos of liberal immigration that the fine EU allowed... and to attempt to get all bigot about that with me was an insanity in and of itself..

In other words even with ones cast iron 40+ year ally... (asking him to get involved in nature protection with a soon to have nice fat pension) ... there is no more any reliability ever in the UK as to what someones values may indeed remain...

(Ralphscism mainly has unique intellectual reasoning as to why this is a genuine reason that serious psychosis has increased... that mental elf post recently and others back the last few years even if i do try and be a bit Captain Fantasticy as earnestness and piety never ever works - no green can ever understand this which in and of itself is another illness...

. the bit where they lovingly flush mum down the bog.... a BIT of comedy  i do believe does 'work'.

 ALL THIS MATERIAL VERY ROUGH FIRST DRAFT AS FOR 5 YEARS NO ELECTRICITY LIVING VAN AND REALITY OF SW  NO ONE EVER ASKS YOU IN FOR A CUPPA... or just use of their elec for a while

and the libraries are SO rudely noisy always (BPD) its impossible to work there..... 

So, site 'guide' will take forever

especially as so much will likely end up as emails sent out over the years to even interested parties on aspects of the 'story' almost always ignored so childish even the grown ups they cant manage any more, " het thanks for taking the time to write to me properly..i havent the time to ponder your thoughts at the moment so i shall not be engaging jolly good luck" as i would write to even my ...well i havent got any 'enemies' only a load of those who USED a child for their dastardly very very weird behaviours that are a great definition of borderline personality disorder thats kind of uncurable so...

 

i just wish i knew an opera writer as 20o years of material ten times better than that fake Shakespeare who likely used a lot of his Mrs take on it all but never overtly credited her (some scholars do say so...)

anyway i shall likely over time just copy and paste a load of emails sent all too inhuman ever to even respond...

But i wouldnt have my life any other way i know for my age my health is superb and mind even better

Anyway its all abit here and a bit there 

https://www.ralphschism.com/2026/07/the-ricochet.html

until i really can get the seperation sorted RAlph is the enjoyable even poetic riffy version

this the sane facts based one and anyone ever tries to sue me i am VERY very good and know exactly where the line is....

Exactly....  and what evil is,  A Mr Sanna Fuck... displaying his trophy at his shabby little empire 

Those sorts of using a child for your own smug sense of something that is nothing, harms people long run. Not me... i was bulletproof from the day my kid arrived on this planet as i KNEW how she would be loved, fully and always no matter what.

Unlike the creep too much a child even to find a way of having his own...

They all must steal....

I know the definition of Parental Alienation, it is any action to NOT bolster the image of the parent (as i speechify to peeps at time even Harold Shipman's Missus  notionally making a point ) if estrange lost or even in a slammer...

Cunt Italians (as my one best pal with an Italian baby testifies) well most of them especially in The South..

only are concerned with their own tight little arsehole...

But he ...oops errata sorry just like Raynor Wynn was aided and assisted in her enmbezzlin crookery by Mister Mathew Walker , equally, so was his English wife even more an evil accomplice she of course hides behind her label.......will be in chapter towards the end  ...even if they arent even worth an epilogue 

Now... i can write...

 remarkably, in fact almost miraculously.

I had a rather fun Munchian splurge for 7 years writing most days from dawn from 2010 (i must out liesdamage.com back up its still there..) , that gradually was no existential angst, and certainly no need to express or purge myself of any mucky stuff so as to... the phrase escapes me and every time i turn on the laptop with only half an hour of battery flip if something isnt there i have to move on but stuff comes from nowhere too... it wasnt a case of better out than in, which is a truth factually universal...all of it... it was more a case of previously to the worst of all things happening...one tried to hard to seem something upright safe and not too off the wall..

nothing to lose, one could... just let go because one can...

And i was even told by middle aged  mother, and uni prof of culture then, 2010 who i slightly knew in person  " i read what you are riffing most mornings and i 'get' it there's a kind of REAL 'poetical' energy there between the words... yea i see...you really are on top of the wave somehow powering through even laughing at the lame ducks stuck in the smelly waters all around but nicely..."

Anyway it NEVER EVER is good for  you, even if it took me a long time before i admitted to myself  " this new creative artistry [with words] amazingly is here for good... to be complimented. I spent several years almost lamenting professor Agnieska's  compliment..its SO SO much better for you for everyone to just ... neither care and only think you are a bit lost at sea...  

there - being only thought of as pathetic, lost, and even contemptuously is where true energy comes..

still i know that.

Energy (dud word all the fake 'aware' crowd stole 2 decades ago.. so i only use it when there dont seem to be others, even if LIFEFORCE is better)  is only chipped away at if one thinks that one must please ones fan.... even if there is only one. And of course the key is - and in my case every word i utter is based on years or even decades of mergolating upon the issues and the realities,  usually on 50km walking alone in the hills per week for 16 years....  that we know our own ideas and assessments or insights to get wanky 'aware'  - another word they stole... are pukka. Or as pukka as can be. AND.. also  inclusibve of the actual reality of others - behind their masks - i have peered at all my adult life pondering what indeed may be there...especially of my least favourite species the English (ok first equal in Europe with the other lot whom richer English like to be SEEN to be allied with... even if my heroine - a real one said to me 4 years ago..." i wouldnt bother...[ i had never taken tiime to meander even Florence much in my previous life os free travel and paid to await wankers at showoff special golf holidays or even awaiting hearts to be cut out so as to rush them to England to transplant some heartless Italian one into a heartless English... ] ... the Italians [she had lived among but IN THE MOUNTAINS.... bought up as 100% Heidi... plus half the time in scuzzy lower middle class London] ... as i know art having just finished my arts degree aged 40... just copied the ancient Greeks you didnt miss much...."

Energy or focus i guess comes from generally being ignored as haing nothing ever about you never mind much to say...

And those very long periods  - years especially from 2015ish ...  are the most fertile  - you just know you are kindof right and that if nobody else gets you its their journey off to hell in a handbag...

Anyway the last 10 years i have also been told various times  person to person long letters or messages and nobody false flatters me ever...

" god you can write with such punchy elegant soulfulness and turn it on a  dime  into something that would knock fat Alexei off his latest waggle dance..."

i think this is one of his recent shorts i never watch shorts but Alexei... 

well...is a true genius but of course fake  even if one of my few valued modern communicatrixes, in that he has in the past done extremely intelligent discussion interviews about the real history of liberalism and modernism (the real kind meaning how liberal egalitarian society evolved very well through 70s and 80s and then the Eton class said " thats enough... we let them have some post war catch up fun for a few decades.. treat uni as a true learning just piss away their grants at the bar discussing actual philosophy and thus actually learn.... bring the  concentration camps back now..." via 'neoliberalism PFI etc etc and to think that Andy Pandy will UNThatch their house when ALL the English care about is the price of their house.... is more absurdist than splendid Alexei ..

BUt of course he never properly attempted to take part

Even the dilettante Italians managed to spawn the superb Beppe Grillo who turned his fine comedy into real votes! and became de facto Italian PM even if he couldnt actually sit in the chair due to a rather mixed up earlier little matter of  'manslaughter'... nevertheless he was the ONLY force for change that did the few sane Italians left say " it did more good than bad...   he made us think more laterally about our society and politics when nobody else had managed that for decades.."

Alexei just uses you for cheap clicks...

Never ever ever trust a scouser... ever.

45 years ago i knew that.... never. Not one...ever... unless they entirely 100% renounce the place when young  just users and thieves... and never go back...

 

  And even could in fact write a real book based on fact (in my sick brother's sick little bedroom)  about how their most famous 'son' just used his own for fake self pity and  monetised his fake love when he never even bothered to get him over in one of the hundreds of private learjets he could have afforded to buy...

Which has nothing to do with me, as as a youngster age 10 with an old perfect so loving and gentle giant yeoman Ralph Ellis  - my 100% caring mentoring father as him and i toiled on the land building fences and recreating old disused fabulous veg gardens - and digging that much in 18" the hardest job of em all..over several acres all by hand... i orphaned myself forever from their whole vile house of bent cards...

anyway.. " you can write..." but living on the edge day in and out often takes away from the poise and grace needed so as to just laugh at them all - never take one eveil act to heart ever...

Which will only come out in somewhat trippyish sort of Thomas Bernhard or Herb BAtesian kind of wistful stuff..

I can do... it has to 'come' and does sometimes when aside unconcerned and walking or sometimes alone at dawn...

but then i have so much of that to jot it down has become a pain in tehn arse and i need to get out whats already jotted for 16 years...

a lot of it even in 'private' letters they thought were me to them...

nope wrong

In fact me to YOU...my readers here there everywhere 
Though of course often one may wish to anonymise or just change it a bit so as to not have the pain in the arse of some silly wanker thinking its about him or her... and attempting to deny exactly which fabulously interesting hidden wanker they were... 

Or an exact  copy of every word...

like her  - recent... at least she understands for her little un who only exists cos of me we must NEVER EVER hold on to past little mistakes...

A couple of really serious lifelong lessons she was told to pull her socks up from...

And did take it in

" for the sake of your blob yet to be... you have to know that you should not have people pleased... on that one promised meet with my lass [may 2025] ...

The perfect woman who even before she has her so long wanted little ball of fun popping out, knows that when it comes to kids of any age its ONLY about what happens today or tomorrow...

And i arent likely to even ever get to tickle the toes of the nipper pretty much is there because of me...

As the mum, English born, though a Heidi passport too... knows as she is a full intellectual " no way.. i shant be letting her out in that jungle..."

Though we disagree on some things... " your Paulo of La Grande Belazza genius almost perfect absurdist philosophy.... even if always just women being poked and blokes pokin even in philosophical chat.... please send me full critique of his latest .... his first where he attempted to sum up Italian female roles...

"i  dunno i didnt really like it but i think just like Barbie  he TRIED..he tried to say 'something' even if in both instances a bit of a miscarriage ohh yes youve forgotten about THEM now havent you even you got a bit stuck even if for only 5 mins in the pity me and the one down the bog... ! if you were in England you would still be doing Womans Hour victim support group chats about a dead bit of ectoplasm for the rest of your life.... i believe you she sleeps like a ...baby... is meant to as i know you ALONE have no inner angsty energy...they feed off that too..."   

" no sorry he shows just how vile all bourgeois Italian families and women are in the south especially i think he says nothing much.... its all just revolting and meaningless .... "

" hmm i beg to differ even if i cant quite say why .... but i know i wont have to beg to remain best buddies even if we have a smallest difference of opinion...good all the last english genes have left you, i hope she didnt catch any on the way out, into here...."

But best of all, three years... "yasmin tart... look i know you have got your shiny new arts degree... and could rip off the tourists for three grand for really not very interesting decadent artworks... but i know you can WRITE...and also that pictorial art is limited in saying what youTOO want to say about the world she has inherited...all of it...[ we are exactly in sync, shame about her tunnelling hobbit her dad] .. i think only writing and stories can do it even if youre as good as the ferkin Mona Lisa.... at self portrait... write.. chuck away your brushes...w.rite..and also WHEN you have podded it changes...you realise you MUST take it seriously as its for her.... no longer for you... if you actually love it,  and only do BEST BANG FOR Buck as its urgent.... what will make the most difference as urgently as possible.."

and a week ago,  funny how dad is always right even regarding the most stubborn of all  - in a good way, most healthily esteemed woman, who has lived a life...  

" ive realised...yes... pictorial art is so limited and just cant do what we need done...and have started just  writing again... "

And i am so poor from 22 years  attempting to write something that may just  make one jot of difference...

i can't even afford to send it a birthday card...

But i wouldnt have it any other way... or ... that WAS the case...

when one knows exactly no conceivable way one could be diverted how one wishes and needs to spend every second of life left... due even a few terribly diverting fakes even this year and my radar is utterly extra sensory perception attuned to all of them.... 

i shall not even be able to afford a grand to get my snail shell on the road another year...

But their dull little stories even if UNIVERSAL stories of your only sick society, , will be so far along the conveyor belt of stories so many to trot out... ..maybe i wont even get to them....

who knows 

Not for me... for the next lot in the queue for the meatgrinder, or even once shat out mangled the other end, who i hope SHE can whip into shape....

FIRST DRAFT merely leaving this here for her ... 

add in bits i forgot something all always on the hoof

always act like its your last day on the earth (it could be after what is being published here and ralphschism now... ) and she is worth already a few hours of my time... ehh about eight just to make and load this... at it all day today from 5am

Come and get your free selkie therapy/mindfulness/mermaid lessons.. optional donation (suggested £9.99, which means even more or else, and we'll be watching)

DRAFT to be much improved 

audio file called brief roundup 18 july 2026 (just in passing - what i do much of the time)

https://drive.google.com/file/d/113uCd0BNcF_BP7jnnHy3k5mUqj5DyP9r/view?usp=drive_link

and another called WHY I NEED A NEW OLD VAN (i play with words its THE way to survive all your cant and vanity..)

cos if i dont get some money in in a few days i am at last utterly finished, even if ive only just started writing the really fun part of the reflections...chronicles.. 

or in even her language "a call out to the universe.." i quite expect will say "sucker.... stay in your black hole and have your home crushed  if the cops  stop you anytime one your MOT is over soon, creep"

audio made yestereve - one week to crushing time 

https://drive.google.com/file/d/1JA6q8M9qaO755YgoUVkG-w_FXVu8845p/view?usp=sharing

Ive been SO busy dealing with the flack from its time to say the say even if already said on a few 

names

Maureen Clayton

Ashlea Sanna and the awful Mauro Sanna 

ALL of them all their lives so obsessed with The Conran shop to even care that their next generation may be assisted to see her dad,  or far far worse... true lost materialistic crap, who couldnt deal with someone bring a child up not like them..

And then A RAT    JC a non-man a rat whom in 2010 passed on to a rather lost dadless woman in atizz as she couldnt keep her word so ran away...  information about a brother who is the only person that that whole awful suck-up-to-celebs and not even talented ones, family,  stating he was on psycho medication in his youth... when i have never even taken an asprin... and was the only sane one in the universe being when Prozac was suggested in one of only two short visits to a head doc age 25ish i chucked em down the bog thus being of no values re the poor microbes in the London drains... and thought immediately these are no good.. that way madness lies

and fied it via self administered far better method ,forever, a year later

And then the recent terrible lost time wasters

NW

and even so sadly LT

And some gibbers too 

Yes and also 'challenge those you love or at least value greatly to be the best version of themselves

as 

https://hannahspier.substack.com/p/towards-a-new-treatment-model-for

Meghan Daum

Jenny E holland 

and a few others the last year - all  propper writers and journalists of the used-to-be-LIBERAL version. whom  have REALLY been pointing a  very very sharply piercing flashlight at the mental vandalism the 'fairer' sex are reeking on the fookin universe.. the last year or so 

in rather labelly ways...

I do the MUCH nicer philosophical version which started here some years ago

https://www.simonclayton2020.com/p/woman.html

and have much already written about how on earth my daughters cohort may sort out the dire state of play between the sexes.. but no time to edit and work on yet

which destroyed environmentalism

and merely keeps cops and judges in jobs and pensions..

they aint gonna make you grow up via better philosophical takes on it all

as they profit from your Apocalyptic mess 

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

BANK 

always use direct pay,  as they dont scam you for at least a few percent as buyme a coffee does or paypal and other payment methods do

accounts listed here:

https://www.ralphschism.com/p/funding.html

 This website (not really a blog just 5ish years of reflections and attempts to record reality of uk family (and environmental) disaster is having a few new poignant things added today tomorrow latest...ALL the way, now) 

there is a new page in it but only really of interest to anyone who knows real loss... and that doesnt include siblings... nor parents who die roughly at their allotted time 

https://www.simonclayton2020.com/p/estrangement.html

Now... to get a bit Ralphschismic....

 which really is only the first Joycean  meander through all sorts of places from where i prefer - years stuck nowhere, nobody..

To Zagreb to Sligo and so many little off the beaten tracks in between....

Always from an early adulthood somewhat cautious to say the least about the English... . slash Brits... especially 'abroad'... (always going to the opposite side of a cafe even in Dieppe especially in anywhere further away, to where an English accent may be heard)

Nevertheless ..one needs to know a bit of ones so called 'heritage'  - and having already been 'radicalised' by Pilger and Tariq Ali, into the truth of this dodgy peeps... and realising its everyone else who is radically out of kilter, with humanity...and i merely listened to good oldschool decency in Lorna Doone to Reggie Perrin and remained 'normal'... humanist... or just knew where THE LINE was....

One day Irish chappie come sin to my bookshop in 97 ish and asks for this book. Which really did change my life, too...

But here's the thing.... 

and only a week ago did McEvoy rightly get HIS payout....

https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/articles/cgmdkk8r472o

essentially all down to Seans sterling work...  for which he paid the greatest of prices over 20 or so years...

Not in sterling either. 

But here's the thing, even if that in the audio below I know is the ultimate price - never ending at least Andy Malkinson got out after 17 years...

There's me  twenty years ago I am even on a webpage with true hero Sean..

https://www.simonclayton2020.com/p/price-qc.html

in the big year https://www.simonclayton2020.com/p/media-on-cases.html which was ONLY a test case on behalf of the REST - i was perfectly all right i had wone the unwinnable case that mattered two years previously

.not many of us there on British 'free speech' top QC pricey   rather pricey too as he was the god of it (Lord Justice Wall demanded i was legally aided  so it could be argued in their inhuman legalese but i had already alone put in written treatise that... was the real case.... 

even if Price was as useless as his so called second) 

(this no case about 'children' it was about state 'cover up' to use pejorative silly language - merely fat old creeps always want everyone to shut up about them... as The British have been world champs in,  for 200 or more years - spin...PR... )

Which is of only passing pleasure...

Even if i lived somewhere thee thickest theme park in the world HAy-on-Wye or far enough away to be nearby just to use the local spin doctors, COOP.... where nobody  there began to understand ANY form of 'politics' or power already by then lost to ridiculous little man Pratchett and his fantasy worlds... (i simply never met anyone for years who had read one grown up good book).

But there you have out of the blue 

https://www.simonclayton2020.com/p/media-on-defense-of-clayton-freedom-of.html

nothing to do with ME... late 07 Straw stands up in parliament deliberately just before crimbo and announces his 'reforms'  to court transparency (DIPLOCK COURTS) that have fully taken into account two or maybe three public consultations over  4 or 5 years.... and tucks in at the very end "these reforms i am presenting to The House will have the effect of reversing Clayton v Clayton.." which is crystal clear you are either TRANSPARENT or NOT... (as Louise Tickle then found the last 7 or 8 years. her 'heroic' PAnorama on the evil childsnatching British State etc.... . there is no half a pregnancy...)

Anyway as all my emails from 29 December 2007 the day after Esti went to the other household for her week there show... " ehh...CAmilla [Cavendish] have you noticed what JAck straw is up to..." 

In short the thickest journalist in history her 4th or 5th to me says something like " simon i have no idea what you are on about..."

She probably said the same to Frances Gibb her boss when she said to her " simon emailed me yesterday saying get that mad witch off the issue or i will bring in a hundred  purple condom  throwers into our bosses office unless you are sacked...." ( a spindoctored lie cos they were all merely fat thuggish voluble wankers and wouldnt know what a condom was for..or what the word volluble meant, and certainly werent any mates of mine) 

And my hero FG wrote  - as we had fairly frequently for a year or four in our epistles back n forth  ....  " simon i do not respond well to blackmail..."

 the evening before..... she wrote exactly what i had put in my email to her that day telling her what the story was,..

That caused her to write that the Minister of Justice is "HOODWINKING"  Par;liament as youre not allowed to use the words pants on fire..

The only reason Straw did his youturn on telly a monthish later

as you can see on that page (here)...

Now..  the first equal greatest fake of all time as per last post... you would have thought just MAYBE she could add  two and two...

Just MAYbe... if the Minister of it was embarassed in public... by The Times no less...

Maybe that Minister may have waited  7 or 98 months...and taken revenge on ...me

And nobody is ever going to bother investigating the Whitehall files for a little memo " call Terry.. and Maureen..." 

But that's not the point, especially of my fabulous memoirs i need to write...

Early 90s, even as an ONLY worldly traveller...  ULTRA  sceptical verging on 100% prejudiced against the Brits...   there i was that day after a wonderful weekend taking my 'Sligo contingent' for a homecoming 3 day and night pub crawl  which was frightening they were so all the way in it...and lovely in one respect (me not liking boozing other than a poncy sip of craft beer every other year) ...

But they were so so decent....  always cared about me and made sure i had a nice companion to look after me just go for a cuppa and have a nice bit of craik while the whole town was creaking from Jim Mcsharry and co...

And i adored her.... she was humble meek long dark hair.. lovely sweetsmiley....  and as McSharry and co arrive at Sligo airport mid sunday afternoon for us to fly back to Luton except there is another three hours of drinking for them to fit in as they had forgotten the otherwise deserted airport bar...  their whole centre of gravity was " all hail our perfect heroic pilot valiantly fought his way through weather and red tape  to get us here... " etc..

We hereby bestow on you honorary citizenship of this airport bar... and weve all been watcjhing you all weekend we hereby DEMAND that you smuggle her back in the copilots seat or on Dermott's lap so she can hold the sick bag...and....

 And because i was even as perfect Pilgerite and McPhillemina  a prickish arrogant little big dickhead of a prejudiced Englishman i couldnt wash out of me with all the tea in china or blow out of my hair with all the dynamite in... the RUC locker room or was it UDF who cares just fat greedy blokes...

I couldnt bring myself to entirely put into action what i thought, about the most gorgeous of all perfect bloody wimmin... who i still often think of as if it were yesterday and i hadnt ran out of the 'sliding door' and buzzed off.... 

Audrey of Sligo.... 

cos i was still just a bit of a bloody  whateverist....

pompous little twatist (as all English always are deepdown and the cure so impossible) disguised as perfect Saitn Exupperian literary worldly hobo iconoclast 

never mind needing her passport, still... or now....

But I'm not just saying that because the thing is....  as said in audio if i recall or in Ralph on mental elf...

The silver lining as there ALWAYS is one of having an armalite shoved up my arse January 2010 and its still on repeat mode and always will be...

Indeed my experiences of 2003-4.... first round under fire worked 95% 

But still  there was even then early 2010 that smallest little bit of arrogant little english prick still hiding within...defensive, too choosy to even say ..."yes'  to her....then 

Is it was reduced rightly to...well it was 2010  cut out forever ...

Which ultimately is a greater gift than even Sean rightly had in eventual "he was right ALL along..."

I still never ever regret one second even if mine is a death sentence for life (As Munby wrote in 2005 for me  - prepping for this case in his paper of that winter infact Wall wrote as was obvious ... " if the state doesnt actually chop your head off any more then unjust removal  of child by the state or even complicity... in that...  maybe Straw Man's revenge {you never CAN know] ....  its worse than life without parole on fitted up charges... ")

and its also rather freeing to discover that all along  - decades back seen through, your own mother is worst Judas of all time...

But then as she was a buddy of a Beatle's Missus... the one who never said " oi you ex ...wifebating cunt.... cunt... send a learjet i mean you could could afford your own fleet of them one for every other day of the year....  and see your own son just ONCE a year for gods sake rather than monetise fake emotion via your songs and conning the world youre a caring dad.... ..."  its not really any surprise... 

Because even now still in fact it gets better and better i could not have such a truly enjoyed chat in the shithole of the fake universe this morning as i did....

with  a  couple of Micks...  finest folk ive met for a long time...  and REAL minds too...in a way NO Brit can ever be.... 

Only... a nuclear bomb up your bum can 'heal' anyone England-born... fully..... so I'm only the better for mine.... i hope Sean found the same over the years...

And i dont mean in 'public' i mean in private every morn for years just me and silence and nobody to notice you... thats the plan as you also need nobody to notice you...when you know you really were healed....of your fucking passport....

Now..i want a red one if it kills me... one day at least....

I would like to know of a worse one?

This  - the recording (story) below is sort f ending of a range of material i have been making the last few months. 

IN fact it refers to a few earlier things that are also in recordings i havent got battery to find again and put up.

A few more posts (i just think of them as chapters)  will appear here over the next few days. 'filling in' or adding to, what is here now and the last month.

*******

Now i decry (as hate doesn't really exist) shock jokkery...

As Mister Stern began all that  - awful man without one smallest personal value, between all of his fine follicles..

I was a little bit there  working on the fringes of his mad Badlands.. it obviously wouldn't end well.

But i do know story can even 'save' lives - such as Miryams mentioned in the audio below - her story so bravely shared of such shame -   and now twenty years on i will be sharing a few more interesting real stories...

Why stories ..i have rather a good chronicle with so much evidence its daft... but i don't think like that, really... how i think is there is some authority in presenting ones stories in such a way as they are obviously true even in this cynical land....

Engagingly, fully....all the way but never ever to shock. 

Which takes time  - not many an hour sweating over a line to get it just right, merely to curate many thousands i have all over the place into one fairly coherent woven tapestry that's a whole...

with the really bloody messes on the carpet from a lance in the belly, kindof laid out in a  way where one proves that all wounds are useful in some way or other...

Even ones where i could have sued for substantial 'damages' but it never even occurred..

as money is never ever 'justice' in fact i dont even believe in that word..

justice is merely persisting... and maybe one day finding useful story in anything to share with anyone who may one day find that tale  a poultice to their torn flesh...

And above all (ralphschism cheekily part riffs upon this as  there is a decade long one dimensional utter Wasteland of weird self obsession, for unitary gain - even if just 'workshopping'   when theyve NOTHING worth sharing...  only part as i have tons of stuff to weave in from twenty years chronicling every second as a hobby) .. there is NO schema  that is understandable - one CANNOT know why one has bothered surviving rather well flesh wound or the worst of the gassy chambers that is in so many other's heads...

empty or not... 

but LAUGHING at their noxious  gas...well thats when one is 'cured' of what is random ordinary life ...

 And my own cross to bear is i can do that but Ive never thought comedy really is the answer even if Alexei was a demigod ....

I like wistful Proustian or Herbert Batesian stuff or even Georgie girl and her silas...  i think that's useful but i don't think any British can even sit with something that doesnt demand 'victimhood' or  even worse crap like Matt of late " the universe is.... [ fill in the dots - they have so many meaningless variants in what is only flabby language and nonthink...].."

To be cont

audio File 028 made 13 july 2026 evening

The ultimate Judas... ehh even if she needs something rather more poetical

 https://drive.google.com/file/d/1Sc_1k13Zka1ZUeQB6vUv7G1G9ueJ9yRx/view?usp=sharing

but it kindof adds to  recent far better riffs on YOUR 'mental health' Apocalypse. 

https://www.ralphschism.com/2026/07/i-should-have-asked-her.html

And a collection of just how good

many more on RS youtube...

thing is there is the 'evidence' - hardly anyone ever watches any kidvid.. despite them being uniquely bouncy funny and life affirming...

I don't think the British   really do value children... as most of literature for the last century confirms, too 

The 'solution'

 I have hobo'd around in a rather gentlemanly way even if a secret most happy near tramp for 5 years seeking ONLY those on the same page regarding the 'solution'  - or the only one i believe may have a chance, to the toxic solutions our water tables became watering the 'tree of life' only with fairly foul stuff that's the death of you all, or at least your children ..... Even if i know the few pristine upland rivers and streams left. I go there to mergolate and see what creativity arises...

And always walk 50+ ideally 70 km a week even in heatwaves which by Indian standards are quite chilly... its all relative....

One needs a loose team or just one who one can brainstorm with - for me it must be someone who also likes the outdoors. I am at my beast in the fresh air and quiet...

(a year ago spent a lot of time on breezy beaches WORKING - on possible material...it MUST be fun too that's the key! ...)

I am very advanced in much thought and creative work on possibly the only 'messaging' work that may work...

Thing is...and this is what i find a little exasperating  at times, if the right formula can be spun up into the hot air  then there is MONEY in it too - money to sustain thoughtful work on better messaging via culture (i am expert)

On the higgledy piggledy  rolling bad poetry site ralphschism i have fired out quite a few word pictures of scenes for material i know are original, and would work...

no copyright all  paint spattered out for free when i can..

five years of not even a  reliable plug to charge the laptop...

But that's the REAL life affirming thing - a valiant struggle keeps you alive, enhances cognition (for sure - eg figuring the habits of the local habit-wearing ones to attempt to use their church socket, as now...without getting the usual dirty looks..  figuring their rotas so as to avoid them....

stealth

As i wish no conflict with anyone ever ONLY the useful possible next allies...

My my i suffer for my art...

and that keeps you younger fitter and is the best of all therapy there is...not that i need any but almost everyone i meet says they do...

There is....money...in it!

Here is one last audio file made this afternoon in the sweltering sun at a lovely cooling river..i know how to make 'work'  play,  too

In fact it MUST be... as sadly Helen Steel didn't know and it nearly killed her

Too much earnestness always does as it killed the whole REAL greening movement... 

the solution unless someone has any better ideas: 

https://drive.google.com/file/d/1bQFNICROMgPOufUgtEc2ZO2sqGTa5keb/view?usp=sharing

it is part three of my recent roundup in two audios of what REALLY is THE only aspect to the environment that matters in this folder

https://drive.google.com/drive/folders/1Lof7hIuw2xxF2OHpD1QSWXV7wuNdQkGY?usp=sharing

 

The "voice"

Now... even with often thousands of pageviews a day into the most un-socially mediated (as i don't do it) or 'promoted' written material  ever,  where i rarely even use a so called hashtag, and don't have online time to post it into places t may be shared, all i am really interested in is truly letting go into a purest almost 'transcendental'  daily creative splurge all rather Proustian. ... but i guess the 'voice' must also be accompanied by snazzy production values. I don't do deliberately, as they only take away from pondering.

What really to say. Merely on behalf of younger people - the twenty to forty somethings,  now. As one thing i know as sure as ferrets are ferrets is that they are most conflicted and confused. Mainly as the rhetoric of the nowadays fifty to sixty somethings  has been for several decades pretty damn awful. 

For several decades with absolutely purest peacefulness and centredness - i always sleep a perfect eight hours no matter what, i always rise early and mindsway through recent days - always in fringe areas as i only like to be in nature and quiet,  and attempt to put the product of  random face-to-face conversation with the few who also do 'care' into useful jotting. Or unfortunately more likely waffling as i have so little battery living 5 years only in a wee tincan...

Always! happily no matter what. 

And i riff into my Prousty chronicle which never mentions places or people as that's not part of my 'universal' George Borrow style mental meandering through the populous. And the main subject which always is in the back of my mind...BACK! as by default everyone assumes it overwhelms one - not at all, it is merely a serious calling which when i am well rested, and well 'walked' - 50 hilly km per week no matter what; often a nap outdoors in the hills, often a more focused and even 'creative' way os saying things may come along, so i try to get it all down - always battery constraints unfortunately causing terrible prioduction values....

but then i found fifteen years ago that's what real 'mindfulness' is - casting aside lifelong habits of careful writing and presentation and making oneself seem an illiterate  fruitbat, as  what others think negatively doesnt matter, all that does is some occasional positive insights one can catch and stick down into something  that may be engaging...

One such thing is in my auto didact waffle pages which thousands often read  

 https://www.ralphschism.com/2026/07/nowif-those-fine-bosnians-had-even-one.html

which goes to free substack audio

"only women have the 'voice' "; even if their so called sisters voice something counterfactual, so as to keep only themselves in the shabbiest bits of coin

Published 6 Jul at 14:07 • Edit tags

https://ralphschism.substack.com/p/only-women-have-the-voice-even-if?r=2jdt8a

within which i refer to the ONLY MP for some years i like... (indeed find rather fabulously sexy). 

And it is sadly trite and seems particular to start mentioning whatever likely only half told story behind her arrest for criminal damage, to her once beloved... but its only mentioned as if she were a ,male politician it would endlessly be stated that she had spent a night in the cells...  when quite rightly she quite rapidly entered power politics and was on Any Questions just a few weeks ago...

https://www.change.org/p/domestic-violence-victims-and-public-sarah-champion-perpetrator-of-donestic-abuse-has-to-resign

The problem always is definitions. " power" or "voice".

Even the silliest redneck (the very rural countryside i have only inhabited for 32 years is sadly full of such) has taken in at least a little of the environmental disaster. Thirty or forty years ago the rednecks were often into so called 'sports' such as fishing...

Well there are hardly any LEFT.  As they wont have failed to notice. Surely the environment is one of the leading issues in society and from 30 years within 'environmentalism' in THE environment - which is fringe lands such as The Marches  where the great bulk of animal life was, almost all in the 'third sector' and local politics who stuck their noses above the tranches were female. It may be that in most of the MArches constituencies a male eventually wins a Westminster seat but everyone knows that for example in Herefordshire constituencies the last 20+ years various female county councillors have been  the people who get all the media access on THE ENVIRONMENT which surely is the greatest real issue of our age (fertility now majorly affected likely due forever chemicals i write on this elsewhere)  and even if male the local MP take it from me, cannot afford to be seen at odds with the 'female' narrative regarding the environment. Even if he is a lobby-corrupted creep behind the scenes, nevertheless females define the provincial narrative. 

to be cont

LAst summer i was all summer BOLSTERING this lady who was living with me temporarily. I have spent a decade attempting to bolstyer women i have been acquainted with in using THEIR voices to say what they say... they care about. 'license' via encouragement to let go and just spit it out - ideally in an elegant fashion. 

She had never written before in public.

We didnt have battery then either so it was all extremely fast writing up things every morning. 

I wrote this one as i learned to truly 'let go' and let my authentic deep me-soul just ramble on fast into the screen.... inadequately written as usual .... though it came from her heart

 https://open.substack.com/pub/asilpyg/p/forever-chemicals-or-xenobiotics?r=2jdt8a&utm_campaign=post-expanded-share&utm_medium=web

HEREIN  - link below, two audio files made yesterday on what nobody ever simplifies and speaks out on in respect of the REAL major cause of all the damaged watercourses in UK.

Which are at the root of the tree of life and thus just about all the rest of nature so so badly damaged too...and it will NOT change... it cannot due chemistry and physics...of the home - summed up below

https://drive.google.com/drive/folders/1Lof7hIuw2xxF2OHpD1QSWXV7wuNdQkGY?usp=sharing

and what if anyone in any locality knew one was saying would get one HURT

fact...reality.... 'free speech' is in reality almost more of an abstract thing for townies...

your major lifetime issue became the environment,  from spray residues everywhere to utterly ruined watercourses due to domestic  outflows - likely even more of a negative, even by Presteigne or Knighton or places in other National Parks which should really have known better the cash they gobble up...

And will get you as a MAN hurt (eventually ) if one says the above in any cafe ....

or pub  - why i havent been to one for years....

It is like this.... in 2016 you had the 'Panama Papers' scandal and i would see  especially the younger generation of online pundit / news people - one in particular who had 100s of thousands of subscribers - trendy slightly edgy chap....

And their infantile line was 'scandal revealed'.  Infantile because for fifty years the DEFAULT social norm in uk is if one makes a little money from business or even inheritance, the whole CULTURE is that ones friends or even at the local restaurant someone will say " i hope you arent paying much tax... i have a schoolchum who helps offshore things on the quiet.....we all use him don't you know....." 

Using offshore instruments is THE CULTURE. Has been for decades, and nobody will change that 'culture' unless it is indeed spoken of as the actual culture.

It is exactly the same in respect of the environment..i lived in it - in the wilds of the foothills of Welsh hills from age about 9... i have spent 75% of my life since then in such places - 25 in the wilds of The MArches in remoter places....... and little by little the whole culture of 99% of people who gravitated into those places, which are THE environment,  has been that of lifestyle which uses more molecules that  negatively impinges upon nature one way or other...even if 'well intentioned'  

 What is in those audios is THE reason watercourses are damaged, but also explains how it is 'the culture' meaning of course jobs businesses that then grew in such regions are all part of that foothills infrastructure which IS 'the culture' 'the society' which will always have negative effect on ecosystems unless somehow a truly puritanical lifestyle can be made the new culture.. but nobody speaks of it properly..in the 'real' world 

not impossible, i did it to myself and i am very normal....AND IT WORKS! it is a personal nett true joy and ecstasyfor three decades

Those the positive stories are never told..in a meainstream engaging way

and silly me some years ago i started to think that the only hope left is engaging culture (via books film etc) is the only hope and have meandered randomly half a decade attempting to find collaborators on the same page...attempt to get material made that reaches the unconversted...

 and they have to be female as only females really have the voice in the world of  attempting real lifestyle change...

But this far all i encounter is people pleasing - often months of "yes i love it lets try and take that film idea forward..." and then flounce out....

Only due their (ordinary bourgeois) forebodings... 

which is why so many are in fact absurdly unhappy behind the yogamamma image .... i know, they were my people....

 Twenty years ago I was offered a book contract. I was even taken out to lunch by the owner of the Imprint.

I was tempted but declined. For two reasons. Well three, really.

Firstly my daughter, as all kids do, needed the most present and engaged parent. That had always been my priority from summer 2000 when her parents split up.   Even a few weeks minor media tart really does take it out of you. She needed all of me. 

Secondly, I didn't really 'need' to tell the story, for me. I was the most satisfied person almost ever in the 'family' justice system. (one of my first assumptions it was so dull to have to frequently deal with " poor you..." Nope, nobody else ever 'won' a custody battle, with, even if as the judge said 05 'minor' extra factors), and  won it in a way that was as concrete as possible. And that is because a senior judge (Ray Singh) did know various factors behind the scenes..or even TV camera. 

But also, there were always things there in the background (the 'other household') it would not be in anyone's interest were they to be aired in any public domain. Let's just put it this way, the settlement that became the supposed 'voluntary' arrangement the parents reached,  that as the High Court said " should be a template for all other couples" (see judgements page) wasn't really....voluntary.

My opponent in this custody matter was never mother. It was in fact her and a very very sad most unreconstructed man  she had taken up with summer 2002, who had in effect deserted his own two children - that's what it means if they are taken away 150 very long miles up Wales - a tough difficult commute,, and you as father no matter how unjust his ex wives actions were, don't move to be as close to them as possible. He decided that encountering a father (me - though he never dared to actually accept my invite to tea now he was LIVING in the same house as my 3 year old)  who maintained every single minute of his time with child - then half time at each house, who may just put into stark relief his own ... inaction, and he began a campaign to use my daughter's mum as his proxy for his rather warped sociopathy.. He began and maintained for years a sick war. 

And he continued for many years with just that kind of approach (friends in the forces .. and Wales is VERY masonic-mafia).

In May 2004  Ray Singh ordered full shared care recommence.  And he also ordered "PEACE". The other household however had other ideas and maintained an unpleasant vexatious lawfare.. (costing you the taxpayer many 10s of thousand pounds as it was all on unlawful legal aid being this man owned property and they should never have received a penny. I didn't - i did my own lawyering despite qualifying. I had nothing). 

In short in summer 2005 the "revolutionary" "template" case ending that I caused to come to pass - even if rather flukey, was FORCED upon the other household, by the highups:  "...you've had all the money in the world for your lawfare...and all our patience... and more court time than anyone else gets ..... either accept this...or perhaps you dont deserve to... dot dot dot..."

And i didn't want to or need to take away from the genuinely USEFUL 'template' that to me always honours my daughter.

Lets also just say that in 2002 the other household said (after losing their first vexatious  court case of false allegations sept 2002) ... in person a few weeks later " i am taking her to Poland and you will never see her again...you know my father is a senior [and VERY drunkard dangerous] policeman...he wont let you get within 100km of Zamosc..."

errata, spat it in my face on a public street outside my little bookshop. 

There also was at the time in the national British media a famous case of just that happening to an English  father  and it was often stated that he had no recourse to any courts in Poland as essentially they didn't really have any civil justice system at that time.

So, there is rather more..... than the laughable little BBC episode below... (they really are one dimensional and puerile).

But i didn't NEED to rock the boat - it was in 2006 a case of merely try and put out into public what is USEFUL to others. And leave it at that,  as it is difficult to tell only half of a story. 

But i did say to myself that in 20 years the raw version should be left behind for my descendants. It's astonishing  - i read avidly (no telly since Esti born) and augment it by radio 4  - keep one eye on the sad to say enemy... but its astonishing how many people even in their 60s are still REALLY in a mess due their childhood - recently i had a person to person example out of the blue... who may just share the same father as me.... age 63 he by his own admission is still wobbly and many women speak of that in fact more women..

so at least having a true version available, i think is important for future or one day 'mental health' for said descendent. 

And there is a third reason i shall not expand upon yet, and in fact is the ONLY reason I shall attempt to do more on this now, which is that the 'journey' or mission was far more subtly interesting than i was ready to attempt to put into engaging words then - 3006 I do not believe in us getting 'help' from the fairies. But there are almost metaphysical evolutions i went through,  i just wasn't able then to formulate into words. 

And i know they matter. That was the main reason i declined. 

And anyway there is a rather long epilogue. From 2010. Now ... i could never have imagined it would spin that way, nor that i would survive it doing so. And bizarrely that period - then, to now, I find so so much more interesting..... 

One aspect that may sound dull but i find interesting (and useful for others even if nobody ever can listen in UK)  is the mental health aspect.

I recently began a write up here.

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1XdHrSWixWHrbLoLFxIih27qXkJCvANS-ZDkiDW-riUQ/edit?usp=sharing

Not my 'mental health' .... but having a fair few memoirs of those with real fruitbatitis and studied it as adult undergrad ..i know 99% of what you are told about it - remedy, is bullshit, and i know you wont find a better attempt at dealing with some root cause...

Lets just put it this way for some years almost EVERY single seemingly sane middle class person i meet has disastrous insomnia. Almost all my age group speak endlessly of mental issues ..

If anyone has earned them - a head utterly fucked, it is me..

And yet i know my own mental health is brilliant, sleep always perfect.. and thats been constant for 38 years years

In fact that's the point: having to fight for your dear life for all that matters (ones values and fighting to keep to them no matter what all around do, i know is key - or one) - my daughter is the only thing that has mattered for 27 years, keeps you sane and well balanced even if you have to virtually live in Hades' dungeons... for decades. Even if i do the outdoor version in the sunshine  more than anyone else in UK i ever meet...

Anyway time to do a slightly more adult version of the 'story' . Soon.

Not that anyone especially me cares even if i have not one second of regret, as i know i have dedicated 97% of my waking hours no matter what for 27 years to my daughter.   But actually far more for the how to live on version. Without confected suffering vulnerability or victimhood... (all i could have gone along to the Council and claimed  10 genuine gold stars for years ago) 

Oh yes and the little matter of 'feminism'. Especially the last 5ish years i have 'studied' every single wave and ebb and flow of it.  Mary Harrington back to De Beauvoir. This case is about pure equalicism. And my daughter would tell me even in 2015 she is a 'feminist'. 

I have given speeches on it (unplanned). and i opened with... " all this fancy legal stuff... ask almost every modern progressive woman i have ever known and it is ONLY about one thing; doing HALF the housework...and baby work or at least as soon as its off the tit; titmilk expression devices been around for at least thirty years in fact  i would guess quite a few centuries.

 But it is also about equal RESPONSIBILITY. Not to tell lies.... 

There is recent writing in fact on how so many women are in a truly bad way 'mentally ill'. Lots of 'cluster B'. There comes a point where it cannot all be merely blamed on years of oppression in fact serious female writers are getting very nasty about their sisterhood. Here is one example

https://hannahspier.substack.com/

https://hannahspier.substack.com/p/towards-a-new-treatment-model-for

Meghan Daum also carries a lot of material wondering if the pendulum hasn't swung so far  the other way its fatally swung off and impaled ones bollocks so badly that it's the End Times for everyone as she knows healthy balanced wo/man is essential for civilisation.

Ditto Jenny E holland.

renowned modern independent writers.

In one of Spier's  pieces she basically says that false allegations, yes often on witness stands,  even if part of a cluster B personality disorder, may best be treated by proper punishment...

If someone had done that in this one, 2002, to a certain person/couple, when they defaulted to excruciating horrible lies on a stand, it may have saved a LOT of taxpayer cash....

All i know is that for my 'feminist' daughter i would not wish any pyric victory. As they aren't. They never last....

A REAL permanent shift in culture such that men take equal responsibility for home/babas ..sharing work opportunity and housework...  still has a fair way to go...

never mind UK becoming the world centre of false allegation - probably caught up with USA now...

To me if i were a woman i would be ashamed at the behaviour of many of my sisterhood...

and as a man i have always been VERY very circumspect about most british fathers pretending to be 'family men'... 

And as everyone now agrees from teachers to psychs .. the last few years a tsunami of behavioural problems are getting far worse in kids ...

and ONLY mum and dad together even if in some enforced peace treaty can ever fix that... the notion the state could ever have afforded to be subcontracted as Missus Fixit...was always insane 

(despite living off grid  5 years only in a small van, with extremely limited computing abilities  - to even detypo never mind write properly, i do get at least 1000 page impressions here a week and often many thousand a week at another  - far more gonzo freeform, place... i need allies! .. dont mind cross fertilisation! ... )